Conspiracy 101: Alien Abductions

Real simple.  If alien abductions aren't real, why is my poop all funny? And where's my cow?*


*I don't have a cow.

Conspiracy 101: We Never Went to The Moon

Alright, anyone who remembers CAPRICORN ONE from the CBS Late Movie is familiar with the basic idea here.  NASA can't (or never intended to) pull off the outer space stuff so they go to a Hollywood sound stage and fake the whole thing.  It's pretty good as conspiracies go. 

First of all, if it did happen, it happened decades ago so the Haze of History is in full effect.  Who really knows what happened?  It was the sixties and everybody was either high or in Vietnam.  Were you there?  I wasn't.  

Second,  people who were there or a part of it react with a real "are you in-fucking-sane" attitude when you suggest we never went to the moon.  Then they say things like "This meeting is over" and "Your parents would be ashamed!  I'm calling them right now!" The Lady doth protest too much.  You know? 

And third, you prove to me that we did go to the moon.  No?  Bam!  My work is done.

Of course, people who are still slavishly sucking on the Mainstream Belief Tit will swear up and down that we went to the moon.  They'll say "I learned it in school" and "Walter Cronkite reported it on the television" and "Tom Hanks was in that movie where he told Houston he had the problem!"  Of course, these people are in denial of the facts.  To wit, bitches:

FACT:  The crystalline structures on the moon prove the existence of an ancient (and probably superior) race.  If this information ever got out, The Catholic Church would lose control of whatever they still control.  And if we went to the moon,  everyone would know about the crystalline structures.  So, no moon landing.

FACT:  I heard that the computer technology onboard Apollo 11 was equivalent to what's available in a cell phone from 2007.  If that's the case, then I should be able to climb on top of this laptop and fly my ass into orbit.  But I can't.  BECAUSE WE NEVER WENT TO THE MOON.  

FACT:  We've had shuttles and space stations and The Russian Monkey flying all over the place yet no one has said "Say, while we're up here, we should stop off for some rocks for the kids." Or "Let's drop off a rocket launcher" or a telescope or anything at all.  No, we're supposed to believe that time after time these guys are flying right by the moon and NOT landing on it. Why?  Wouldn't you?  You would.  IF WE WERE EVER THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE (which we weren't).  

 

Don't take my word for it.  Look at the picture they released.  There's no wind on the moon, right?  So how is that flag staying up?  Huh?  And where are the stars and the planets, hm? You're standing on a rock in the middle of space and there are no stars?  Really?  Shoulda used Industrial Light and Magic,  Spielberg.  

Keep in mind, if you research this stuff it will just get confusing and you'll get frustrated and end up all alone in the tower with the rifle.  It's best if you just listen to Father Bell, Brother Noory and whomever is filling in on the weekends. The truth will set you free!

The Gravytrain:  Don't look too closely, the cracks contain mirrors.

Conspiracy 101

Hey everybody.  Now, before you start in with your preconceived notions of what "conspiracy" means, just hang on.  Open your mind.  Relax.  And consider the idea that you've been consistently lied to by people who had a lot of reasons to lie to you.  It's not your fault!  Don't feel stupid or "duped."  These people may have been in control for a long time.  You probably never had a chance.  And there are so many things to distract us from getting to THE TRUTH.  So just know, up until now, ignorance has not been your fault.  

But from this point on, it is.

And I am here to help you.  I'll walk you through all the big conspiracies and why you should be aware of them.  So, turn up the AM radio, pop on that tinfoil hat and let's go! 

The Gravytrain: Think about it...if you dare.