So, my mother thinks a I'm a fascist. She told me so, flat out. I guess I made too many jokes at her team's expense. She's a bit of a Believer and I'm a bit of a Comedian so you can see how there might be a bit of conflict over these things. And I know I shouldn't goad her but I get so bored with the "My Guy is Great / Their Guy is an Idiot" stuff.
As a fascist, I figured I should find out what it is I do believe. So I poked around and found a list of qualities of classic fascist regimes. Now, you may be asking "Who wrote this list? Is it relevant? When was it written?" I don't know. What do I care? I'm a fascist. Here's the list:
1. Powerful and continuing expressions of nationalism. - Not me. I think this whole thing is a matrix-like illusion run by an ancient race of lizard people. Or something similar (The Royal Family? The Coke Brothers? Old Man Kennedy's head in a vat?)
2. Disdain for the importance of human rights. - Nope. I dig human rights. I just don't like whiners. And hey, I'M not the one advocating for endless detention.
3. Identification of enemies/scapegoats as a unifying cause. - Ah, the THEM aspect. The Huns. Terrorists. Tarheels. Well, this is true. There is a "them." The Illuminati Lizard People are them. The 13 Families. The Billaburgerers. Maybe my Mom's one. And I ate her cooking for 22 years!
4. The supremacy of the military/avid militarism. - Whatever. I'd be naked ALL THE TIME if I didn't think I'd be arrested. Do I think it's a good idea that the police are looking more like the army and the army is looking more like stormtroopers? No.
Wait, I can't be a fascist. I hate authority too much. "Go fuck yourself, Mr. President." See?
5. Rampant sexism. - Really? El Duce wasn't big on the ladies? Didn't Hitler have a bunch of pretty German Girls in the posters? Man, if liking the pretty German girls is fascist, I'm in. I'll be your dictator all night long, Ava. And beleive me, I'm all about putting the DICK in dictator. (And the BUTT in subtlety.)*
6. A controlled mass media. - I can't control my gas on the elevator how the Hell am I going to control the mass media? And what is "The Mass Media" these days? A bunch of girls named Kristin Twittering about that guy in the vampire movie and his penis? You think I can control that? You think anyone can? Good luck.
Sure, the media is controlled. But I'm too stupid to know the difference anyway, right?
7. Obsession with national security. - I'm obsessed with my security from national security. So, yeah, I guess I'm a fascist.
8. Religion and ruling elite tied together. They all worship money and power. They have no regard for human life because they aren't human. I like biscuits. Now who's the fascist?
9. Power of corporations protected. Wait, if I'm a fascist, why do I want GM, Bank of America, and Time Warner to go out of business? I'm not the one giving away billions like I'm high on Halloween.
10. Power of labor suppressed or eliminated. - "Power of labor" is no longer an authorized phrase. Please report to your sector chief for re-education.
11. Disdain and suppression of intellectuals and the arts,- If the intellectuals are jackasses and the art sucks then Hell yes. Suppress the shit out that bad art.
12. Obsession with crime and punishment - I prefer Kafka. Yoink!
13. Rampant cronyism and corruption. - I can't even get anyone to read my script! I'd love to sign up for a little cronyism and/or corruption.
14. Fraudulent elections.- There was an election? Mom, I'm your son! You and Dad made me!
So, I guess I'm about half fascist. But now that I've read this list again, I can see how some folks are a little nervous about the direction this country is sliding. If you're reading this, congratulations. That means A) You received a rudimentary education, B) the systems are still working so this is accessible and C) the real fascists haven't started locking up jackasses like me. (I think jackasses come after homosexuals. First they take the opposition. Then the intellectuals. Then the lawyers and community leaders. Then the artists. Then the homosexuals. THEN the jackasses. Or are we after the Jews? I can't remember my order on the round up. That's gonna be important. I need to find that out.)
** Apparently I can.
The Gravtrain: We'll take the hit for the sake of a bit.
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