Thursday, August 13, 2009

Conspiracy 101: Alien Abductions

Real simple.  If alien abductions aren't real, why is my poop all funny? And where's my cow?*

*I don't have a cow.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Conspiracy 101: We Never Went to The Moon

Alright, anyone who remembers CAPRICORN ONE from the CBS Late Movie is familiar with the basic idea here.  NASA can't (or never intended to) pull off the outer space stuff so they go to a Hollywood sound stage and fake the whole thing.  It's pretty good as conspiracies go. 

First of all, if it did happen, it happened decades ago so the Haze of History is in full effect.  Who really knows what happened?  It was the sixties and everybody was either high or in Vietnam.  Were you there?  I wasn't.  

Second,  people who were there or a part of it react with a real "are you in-fucking-sane" attitude when you suggest we never went to the moon.  Then they say things like "This meeting is over" and "Your parents would be ashamed!  I'm calling them right now!" The Lady doth protest too much.  You know? 

And third, you prove to me that we did go to the moon.  No?  Bam!  My work is done.

Of course, people who are still slavishly sucking on the Mainstream Belief Tit will swear up and down that we went to the moon.  They'll say "I learned it in school" and "Walter Cronkite reported it on the television" and "Tom Hanks was in that movie where he told Houston he had the problem!"  Of course, these people are in denial of the facts.  To wit, bitches:

FACT:  The crystalline structures on the moon prove the existence of an ancient (and probably superior) race.  If this information ever got out, The Catholic Church would lose control of whatever they still control.  And if we went to the moon,  everyone would know about the crystalline structures.  So, no moon landing.

FACT:  I heard that the computer technology onboard Apollo 11 was equivalent to what's available in a cell phone from 2007.  If that's the case, then I should be able to climb on top of this laptop and fly my ass into orbit.  But I can't.  BECAUSE WE NEVER WENT TO THE MOON.  

FACT:  We've had shuttles and space stations and The Russian Monkey flying all over the place yet no one has said "Say, while we're up here, we should stop off for some rocks for the kids." Or "Let's drop off a rocket launcher" or a telescope or anything at all.  No, we're supposed to believe that time after time these guys are flying right by the moon and NOT landing on it. Why?  Wouldn't you?  You would.  IF WE WERE EVER THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE (which we weren't).  

Don't take my word for it.  Look at the picture they released.  There's no wind on the moon, right?  So how is that flag staying up?  Huh?  And where are the stars and the planets, hm? You're standing on a rock in the middle of space and there are no stars?  Really?  Shoulda used Industrial Light and Magic,  Spielberg.  

Keep in mind, if you research this stuff it will just get confusing and you'll get frustrated and end up all alone in the tower with the rifle.  It's best if you just listen to Father Bell, Brother Noory and whomever is filling in on the weekends. The truth will set you free!

The Gravytrain:  Don't look too closely, the cracks contain mirrors.

I Didn't Go to Do It

It occurs to me that this part of Gravytrain Industries is becoming a bit political.  Upon realizing this, my gut reaction was "Ew!  Yuck!  I don't want no political blog!  I ain't sleeping with Barbara Boxer!"  But then I thought, well so what?  I think a lot of what goes on in the political realm is foolish and sophomoric and, Hell, I'm smarter than your average civil servant so why not?  I mean, if the light's really going out on America,  I may as well get a couple of jokes off before whatsis name gets a second term / the sun explodes / the Earth self destructs / THEY return for The Reckoning.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Ed Goodman's a Fascist and Here's Why

So, my mother thinks a I'm a fascist.  She told me so, flat out.  I guess I made too many jokes at her team's expense.  She's a bit of a Believer and I'm a bit of a Comedian so you can see how there might be a bit of conflict over these things.  And I know I shouldn't goad her but I get so bored with the "My Guy is Great / Their Guy is an Idiot" stuff.

As a fascist, I figured I should find out what it is I do believe.  So I poked around and found a list of qualities of classic fascist regimes.   Now, you may be asking "Who wrote this list? Is it relevant?  When was it written?"  I don't know.  What do I care?  I'm a fascist.  Here's the list:

1. Powerful and continuing expressions of nationalism. -
Not me.  I think this whole thing is a matrix-like illusion run by an ancient race of lizard people. Or something similar (The Royal Family? The Coke Brothers? Old Man Kennedy's head in a vat?)

2. Disdain for the importance of human rights. - Nope.  I dig human rights.  I just don't like whiners. And hey, I'M not the one advocating for endless detention.
3. Identification of enemies/scapegoats as a unifying cause. - Ah, the THEM aspect. The Huns. Terrorists. Tarheels. Well, this is true.  There is a "them."  The Illuminati Lizard People are them.  The 13 Families. The Billaburgerers. Maybe my Mom's one.  And I ate her cooking for 22 years!

4. The supremacy of the military/avid militarism. -  Whatever.  I'd be naked ALL THE TIME if I didn't think I'd be arrested. Do I think it's a good idea that the police are looking more like the army and the army is looking more like stormtroopers? No.

Wait, I can't be a fascist. I hate authority too much. "Go fuck yourself, Mr. President." See?  
5. Rampant sexism. - Really? El Duce wasn't big on the ladies?  Didn't Hitler have a bunch of pretty German Girls in the posters?  Man, if liking the pretty German girls is fascist, I'm in.  I'll be your dictator all night long, Ava. And beleive me, I'm all about putting the DICK in dictator. (And the BUTT in subtlety.)*
6. A controlled mass media. - I can't control my gas on the elevator how the Hell am I going to control the mass media?  And what is "The Mass Media" these days?  A bunch of girls named Kristin Twittering about that guy in the vampire movie and his penis?  You think I can control that?  You think anyone can? Good luck.

Sure, the media is controlled. But I'm too stupid to know the difference anyway, right?

7. Obsession with national security. - I'm obsessed with my security from national security. So, yeah, I guess I'm a fascist. 

8. Religion and ruling elite tied together. They all worship money and power. They have no regard for human life because they aren't human. I like biscuits. Now who's the fascist?
9. Power of corporations protected.  Wait, if I'm a fascist, why do I want GM, Bank of America, and Time Warner to go out of business?  I'm not the one giving away billions like I'm high on Halloween.

10. Power of labor suppressed or eliminated. - "Power of labor" is no longer an authorized phrase. Please report to your sector chief for re-education.
11. Disdain and suppression of intellectuals and the arts,-  If the intellectuals are jackasses and the art sucks then Hell yes.  Suppress the shit out that bad art.

12. Obsession with crime and punishment - I prefer Kafka. Yoink!
13. Rampant cronyism and corruption. - I can't even get anyone to read my script! I'd love to sign up for a little cronyism and/or corruption.

14. Fraudulent elections.-
There was an election? Mom, I'm your son! You and Dad made me!

So, I guess I'm about half fascist. But now that I've read this list again, I can see how some folks are a little nervous about the direction this country is sliding. If you're reading this, congratulations. That means A) You received a rudimentary education, B) the systems are still working so this is accessible and C) the real fascists haven't started locking up jackasses like me. (I think jackasses come after homosexuals. First they take the opposition. Then the intellectuals. Then the lawyers and community leaders. Then the artists. Then the homosexuals. THEN the jackasses. Or are we after the Jews? I can't remember my order on the round up. That's gonna be important. I need to find that out.)

* There is not "butt" in "subtlety." But what do I know? I can't even spell subtlety.**

** Apparently I can.

The Gravtrain: We'll take the hit for the sake of a bit.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

I Have Theory

I just read a piece in the August 10/17th New Yorker (Discriminating Tastes, page 21, y'all) in which the writer states that President Obama strayed from his tried and true "script" when he rolled out his Cambradge Police "acted stupidly" line. This writer seems to think that Obama made some sort of strategic error by ending an hour long press conference with a seemingly improvised line in which the Most Powerful Man on Earth criticized some policemen who may or may not have been doing their jobs correctly and subsequently (surprise, surprise) ignited a flappy firestorm of debate about race, cops, and how many unpaid parking tickets one man can collect in Cambridge.

Here's my theory:  Obama knew exactly what he was doing.

Obama is a politician.   And not just your average politician.   He's the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, which (in my mind) means he's one of the best politicians alive.  He plays in the biggest of the big leagues.  Nobody becomes POTUS by being naive, stupid or lazy.  As much as my mother would love to believe that GW Bush was an idiot, I believe the inverse is true. GW put on a really good act, took the hits he needed to take, and did exactly what he wanted to do (and probably had a great time doing it).  
Careful, George.  You're here to get paid.  Say something baffling and move on.

So, I give Obama credit.  The same credit everybody who put him in office* gives him the rest of the time.  I don't think this man does anything without weighing the consequences.  He's smart. And when I heard his "stupid" statement I knew immediately what he had just done.

He simply changed the subject.  

Think about it.  This wasn't just ANY press conference.  This was a press conference on Health Care, which was POTUS-BO's big political football.  But he ran into trouble when his own team fell apart.  Embarrassing!  So, he simply changed the subject.  Literally, with one well placed phrase, we went from asking "Wait, I can get the living room redone in Death Panels?" to endless conversations about Skippy Gates, the Cambridge police and beer drinking.  Genius.  

And by the way, the Skippy Gates thing is a lot funnier than health care so I'm glad Obama did it.  And I'd much rather endure Important Race Conversation #24 again than start another war somewhere.  I'm tired of that particular presidential distraction.

An interesting note:  Obama could have sent Biden out to do the big dumb distraction.  That's Biden's job.  And I think we're getting robbed of some of that great Vice President boobery.

The Gravytrain: One of the unknown knowns you should know about.

* This includes me, by the way.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Political Poster Parade

So, here are those Obama posters everybody's talking about.  I also found a couple of the same thing only with Bush as the subject.

Personally, I find the Bush versions to be much scarier.  Maybe it's the wrinkles. 

Of course the people who like Obama say his Joker Posters are racist.  I guess the Bush people didn't get to say that.  Maybe they said it was Agist. Or Texist.  Of course, since Bush lost it could be called Losist.  All I can think is "Man, I want to see Batman again."     I mean, damn.  What a great movie.

The Gravytrain: Joker?  I don't even like her.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Conspiracy 101

Hey everybody.  Now, before you start in with your preconceived notions of what "conspiracy" means, just hang on.  Open your mind.  Relax.  And consider the idea that you've been consistently lied to by people who had a lot of reasons to lie to you.  It's not your fault!  Don't feel stupid or "duped."  These people may have been in control for a long time.  You probably never had a chance.  And there are so many things to distract us from getting to THE TRUTH.  So just know, up until now, ignorance has not been your fault.  

But from this point on, it is.

And I am here to help you.  I'll walk you through all the big conspiracies and why you should be aware of them.  So, turn up the AM radio, pop on that tinfoil hat and let's go! 

The Gravytrain: Think about it...if you dare.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Hello From the Future

This was supposed to be hilarious.

The idea was to write an entry from 2045. It would have been packed full of timely humor (“Well, we’re still in Iraq! And still no WMDs!”), political commentary (“But I say if you don’t love the United States of Amexico, go back to where you came from!”) and of course, outrageous takes on names in the news ("George Bush won his election for SATAN!!! And Bill Clinton is in a cryolab with a cryo-intern having cryo sex!! Cause he had sex before!”)

And as hilarious as this stuff is on its own, it would have been even better had I been able to figure out how to change the date on the server so it would look like it came from 2045.

But instead, you get this.

The Gravytrain supports our staff's attempts to recapture the glory of the 80's stand up scene. But we're probably gonna start erring on the side of caution.

Beezel Boop?
Like you'd understand if I explained it to you.